I'm Here!!!

What does this mean "I'm here"? Well earlier I was talking to a professor, she's my College success. Earlier in the semester she asked us to write down some goals we had. So one of my goals was to go and see my birth daughter this year. I didn't know when but all I knew was that that is what I want to do this year. So as I was talking to her she asked if this goal was going to be obtainable? I said yes but all the kinks weren't worked out just yet. Then she proceeded to ask "How do you do it?" 

My answer was this. "Have you ever gotten something that you like and would keep but there was someone else that wanted it so bad and would just about do anything for it. Would you give that to them? Well I was lucky to be blessed with the ability to have children and some women are not this lucky. So what could I do with this blessing but share it with those who can not have children."

Her reaction was one that I was used to. It was a question that I have heard so many times, "Isn't it hard to know that someone else is raising your child?" My answer was this, "Yes, yes it is hard to see her all dressed up with beautiful bows and dresses. To know that they get to feed her and take to exciting places, but I know that I wouldn't have been able to do those things with her being a single mother. And she needs both a mother and a father who will love her and take care of her as I would have. She deserves better than what I could provide her." 

My professor was so impressed at my decision and the way I looked at things and all I said was "I'm here!!! It took months to get here, but I'm here!!!"  

Now my quote for this week comes from Shakespeare 

"Whate'er thou art, act well thy part"

Emotions to the MAX!!!

These last couple of weeks have been full of so many emotions. Happy, sad, lonely, angry, frustrated and  excited. Lets start with two years ago. 

2 years ago this month my ex-fiance and I were supposed to get married but instead he broke off the engagement. He was my first LOVE. My true Love. When we ended things I thought I could never move on, my life had ended. We had a wonderful time together but I soon realized that life goes on whether or not the one you love is there on somewhere else.

This is Dillon and I at Disneyland the day we got engaged.

Now then this time last year I found out I was Pregnant with my darling Baby girl Cassidy. The initial shock took about 3 or 4 months to finally realize that I was pregnant. 

Here's my first picture of Cassidy. The people I worked with called her my little fruit snack because all I could to eat were fruit snacks.

This year Cassidy's adoption was finalized and she was sealed and blessed this week. 

This is right after the Finalization. 

This was taken right after they were sealed and right before she was blessed. 

So like I said a roller coaster of emotions this month. I really hope that next month will be better. All I can say is "My soul delighteth in the truthfulness of the gospel". 

Is it really February!!!

I can't believe how time has just flown by. My math professor said Tuesday that spring break is in 4 weeks. I can't believe it. School doesn't seem so hard this time around. Maybe I'm just ready for it now. I need this change and I'm ready for the next step in my life. Well besides school I've been working, some weeks I work more than others but none the less they are still fantastic. 

What else has been going on. Well I got a Christmas gift that keeps giving all year long check out www.fillaseat.com  Seriously Mom and I went to a Texas Tornado game, then two weeks later Dad and I went. Heather and I went to the Mesquite Championship Rodeo, then Mom Dad and I went to Championship Bull riding. The seats were pretty awesome and we had a ton of fun. Here's a few pics. 

Texas Tornado Hockey Game

Championship Bull Riding

Well as we all now Valentines was this week and as some of you know I REALLY don't like the day of  "love". It really makes me sick that people only designate one day to love. I really think that we need to express how much we love someone especially those close to us everyday. So how did I spend my Valentines day. Mom and I went to the movies and Grandpa sent me flowers. But honestly deep down I wish every Valentines day that my Prince Charming would ride up on a white horse and wisp me away to a Magic Kingdom of no cooking and no cleaning. But until that day comes I will continue to dream a wonderful dream. 

Well Cassidy is now 3.5 months old. Oh my how the time has flown by. I honestly can't believe so much has changed. She has changed, she is just over 14lbs and I love getting pictures. Every time I see one I know I made the write decision and I did it all for her. Here one that brightened my day. 

This is the outfit I got her for Christmas, chances or she's already grown out of it.

My Quote for the week "If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." -Winnie the Pooh

   

What was I thinking???

     I thought it was going to be a little easier going back to school and moving on, but not so much! For 2 months I didn't really work and when I was my heart was somewhere else. I spent a ton of time with my family and my nephew Brandon. I guess I just expected I could just go back to how things where before I had Cassidy. It wasn't at all. All I thought about on my way to work was "I wonder what mom is doing with Brandon today" and "I wonder if Erika updated the blog". "Should I text Erika to see how she's doing?" Then reality sets in... I'm driving focus on getting to work and when I got there I am consistently reminding myself that I need to focus on work I can think about all this Wednesday on my day off. When I'm at school in between my classes I check to blog or call my mom to see how Brandon is and talk to him for just a second. Life is not the same to say the least. On Monday I was having a hard day, not like work was hard but I was just struggling and a little freaked out about school Tuesday that I acted on a feeling and texted Erika. I didn't hear back that night so I was a little sad cause all I wanted was to see Cassidy's face and smile. So I went to bed and the next morning I woke to Cassidy's face on my phone. Erika texted me 2 pictures that I treasure dearly. I love seeing how happy she is and how happy she makes here mom and dad. I know that Heavenly Father has a special plan for those who are involved with adoption. 

     (Brandon and I at Susie's Wedding)

     Well as you noticed I did get a job!!! I work with a great friend Amber at Smart Mouth Family Dentistry as a Dental Assistant. The Doctor is Dr.Hill and he is awesome. I really like it, not the drive but the people are fantastic. I really feel like I belong there. 

      I am also back at school getting my prerequisites out of the way so I can hopefully get into the Surgical Technician program at Collin College. That is the main goal. I'm taking Beginning Algebra, College success, PHED, and Psychology. So far so good, just give me a couple of weeks and I'll really be freaking out. My psych professor said essay and I just about freaked out then he explained it and I was okay. I have to talk my way out of getting stressed out.  

"All our Dreams come true if we have the Courage to Pursue them"- Walt Disney

(Imagine it in Disney font)

A whole NEW YEAR!!!!

What a year last year was.....So much can happen so to recap last year.
Worked.... and worked....and worked

Got pregnant in February (totally unexpected)
Met with LDS Family services to place child for adoption (April)
Went to Tyler for Susie's baby shower(May)

Transferred offices to be Lead Assistant
Found out I was having a baby girl

Heather, R.J. and the Family moved to Denver (June)
Went to Tyler one last time before Susie had Baby Marcus(July)

Met with adoptive couple (Aaron and Erika)
Stepped down as Lead Assistant (October)
Had sweet Cassidy and placed her with her parents (November)

Mom Dad and I went to Disney World(November)

Susie and Marcus got married (December)

Quit my Job (December)
Heather came home for Christmas....With her boyfriend Ryan (December)

Like I said "What a Year"!!!!

As of yesterday Cassidy turned 2 months. I can't believe it has gone by so fast. This was my first of lifetime Christmases without Cassidy. How you might ask did I make it through. Well I had read a someones blog and they had bought a ornament for the child they placed and sent it to them and bought the same one for her. So I bought Cassidy a little cowgirl ornament and one for me. And I also got her a little outfit.

Now my goals for this year are pretty simple. Go to school and do well in my classes. Continue on with my church stuff and lastly I would like to see Cassidy this year. Maybe in May when she can be blessed. But with finances I may not be able to make it out there until the end of this year.

"Promise me you'll always remember...You're Braver than you believe, And Stronger than you seem, and Smarter than you think."
Christopher Robin

An Inspirational week

This week has been full of inspiration. I've been praying about what my next big decision in my life should be and I've quit my job. This decision did not come with out a ton of prayers and pondering. I believe that this choice is the best for me now. Another piece of inspiration was on Wednesday. Wednesday is the day that Aaron and Erika update their blog and post new pictures of Cassidy. As I was looking through them and reading out what's going on in their life I was reassured again of my choice. I know I made the best choice for Cassidy. Then that night I sat down to read my scriptures as I usually do. I opened up the book of Mormon to 3Nephi and read about Christ coming to the Americas. He spoke to the people and told them needed to repent. Christ showed them the holes in his hands and feet. All I thought about was the price Heavenly father paid so that we can return to live with him again. After placing Cassidy and "loosing" her I could only imagine the pain Heavenly Father went through just so I can return to live with him again. I have promised myself that I will not settle for anything less than the Celestial Kingdom. I want so very much to live with my Heavenly Father again and be as close to him as I can here on this Earth. Lastly today at church I received a wonderful gift. I was given a birth mother basket. It was full of feel good stuff to make me feel pretty. And a amazing poem written by another birth mother. Its called 

My Little Butterfly

You were finally here,

My little butterfly,

You were placed in my arms,

And I couldn't help but cry.

You were so Precious so Beautiful,

I stared at you with pride

Your hands so tiny,

Your eyes so bright.

You were finally here,

My Little Butterfly.

And I knew it would be hard

To say goodbye.

I cried for you at night

How could I let my

Little Butterfly go?

Then I thought of the new world

You will see.

Of the loving parents that will 

Take care of thee,

And I felt Peace

You were finally here,

My Little Butterfly.

And no matter how hard it is,

I must say goodbye

So, open your wings

And don't be afraid to fly.

Fly away to a new life

Where opportunities are

At every door

And my love around every corner.

You were finally here,

My Little Butterfly.

But, quickly you left

To live your new life

You’ll always be in my heart.

Your memory in my every thought.

Those tiny hands,

And bright eyes.

I will forever love you,

My Little Butterfly.

By: Gina Crotts

I've made it a month!!!

Well it's been a month since sweet baby Cassidy was born. I've kept myself super busy with a little family vacation and now I'm back to work. Now that I'm back to work its nice to keep myself busy but I'm ready to have a social life again. So I'm currently looking for a new job where the hours are more sent and not 9am to 8:45pm. Who ever thought a dental office would be open that late. I know I never did!! But honestly I never could have made it without my wonderful family and friends that have supported along the way. I'm so grateful to my heavenly father who has blessed me with those family and friends. He's also blessed me with a great peace of mind to know that what I did was the right choice.

The most frequent asked question at work is "How do you look at pictures and talk about Cassidy without missing her?" Truth is I miss her. I miss her more than you can imagine. Some days all I want to do is pick her up and hold her. To know that I will be missing the first time she rolls over, crawls, walks I wont be there makes me sad. But at the same time I know that someday I will have the to opportunity to have more children and raise them. I have given Cassidy the life she deserves. Aaron and Erika can not have children for some reason and I have given them the opportunity to raise her. They will be able to give her so much more right now than I can. I know that they love her as much as I do.

Thanks Aaron and Erika for posting this Beautiful picture of Cassidy.  Poor girl got my nose.