The last few months

To all my avid readers I'm sorry that I haven't posted in forever. The last couple of months have been absolutely crazy. So I'll do my little recap thing that I like to do. My last post was in April so I'll go back to then end of April. I went to Time out for Women with my mom. We had so much fun, then Saturday night I headed over to a YSA conference. I met some amazing people and got to hang out with all my old friends, which I hadn't done in almost a year. Then I met someone.... we talked for a little while and then someone else would join. Then just him and I would talk and soon we had covered the basics. What are the basics to us you might ask. Well after he had left to talk to someone and came back to talk to me, he had said "Sorry I knew her before I got married I just had to say Hi." Uhmm wow I thought this dude is divorced. So I said "okay way to drop the I was married bomb." We laughed and then I said "well that's nothing I have a daughter that I placed for adoption." Since that night we have been nearly inseparable. Its been almost 4 months and he has been there for everything

Rough Riders game even though Josh doesn't watch/ know anything about baseball

Next was Birth Mother's day. I had thought about how I got through Christmas and New Years but I just wasn't prepared for Mother's day. Lucky for me I have a wonderful support system and my family and Josh were there for me. And I received a wonderful card from Aaron, Erika and Cassidy. It made it so much easier. Then on Sunday my branch President of the singles ward asked me and several others to get up and speak about our mothers and what mother's day means to us. WOW talk about emotional. It was wonderful to look back and remember why I chose Erika as Cassidy's mother and Aaron as Cassidy's father. They are just perfect and every time I see them with her I never regret my decision. 

I started a new job in May. 

Taking summer classes in hopes of jumping my GPA up. 

In July Josh and I enjoyed the Dallas Museum of Art for one of my class assignments.

Later on in July I was diagnosed with a hernia and was told to have surgery as soon as possible. I on the 31st I had hernia repair surgery and am now recovering. It was a minimally invasive surgery but have several restrictions that are not allowing me to work. So lets just say the money will be tight the next couple of months. 

For those who like to hear about Cassidy she is a very hefty little girl. She is in 12-18 month clothes and a size 3 shoe. She is crawling and pulling herself up. She has her 2 bottom teeth and likes to use them.  

I promise to update more often!!!

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WOW what a difference

Tonight there is another story I want to share from another birth mother. Lets just say she is way stronger than me. I had met her right before she placed her. She had told me she was adopted herself and now that she was placing her adoptive parents didn't want her to place her little boy. I was so mad!! The way she talked about not only her birth parents but the people in her church made me mad. They never once asked her opinion. They would either say "why are you giving away your child", or "why don't you give your baby to me". I mean seriously if people had said these things to me I probably would have kept her. I would have been selfish. But I had one difference then she did. I had very wise Bishop Wassom ask me this question "Are you doing what is right for your family?" The family includes the Birth Mother, child, and if he is still in the picture Birth Father. I knew from the beginning that adoption was right for me, but for some it is not. This birth mother needed the support of all those around her but instead she had no one but the adoptive couple. I am happy to she placed the little boy with a wonderful couple who have been waiting a long long time for this child. On the other hand she has lost all faith in the LDS church . Because she was treated so poorly by her relief society sisters and those in leadership positions she has fallen away. So I ask you this question "are you doing what is right for your family?" are you judging others of their actions? I choose not to judge but to Love! We may not agree but we are not sent here to judge but to love and serve. 

I challenge you to LOVE!!! and not to JUDGE. 

Keep moving forward

So I was at work Friday and they were interviewing a new Dentist for a second location. Some how we got on the subject of children. So the interviewee asked if I had children.... How do I answer this? So i flat out said "NO". Dr. Hill just looked at me because he knows my story, said nothing at all just gave me a look as in okay I'll go with this. Later that day I was talking to another assistant and we were talking about our scrubs, she said she liked mine and I jokingly said "oh these are my maternity ones, all my other ones are dirty". She laughed and said "oh well, their cute." But what I didn't know was that the interviewee Dentist was standing just a few feet away. He said "I thought you didn't have any children". So in my attempt to avoid talking about a sometimes awkward subject I shared my story with him. All he said was "okay now I understand why you said no." There was no judgment or questions. This was the first time in a while that I didn't have follow-up questions about my situation. 

That was Friday. Saturday Heather, Mom and I walked a 5K. YAY US!!! We walked not ran. It is a jump start to our weight loss journey that begins tomorrow Monday 4-2-2012. I am so excited!! I feel like I will be shedding my wonderful baby weight and beginning a new me. I will continue sharing my story of weight loss with y'all.

Sweet Cassidy at 4.5 months old

Make a stand

So on my last post I said that I was going to write my local and state leaders. Well I did!!! I will write and let my voice be known. Now I ask you to write and let your voice be known to you local and state congressmen. I plan on writing until someone hears my voice. That is it for this week its been a slow week.

Have a good week.

23yrs later

Today I turned 23! I seriously can't believe it. I spent the first 9 months attached to my twin sister inside my mom. Then next 18yrs we had many adventures, time truly flies by. I love my sister and couldn't imagine growing up with out her. She is my best friend and I love her with all my heart. But this is not what I would like to post about tonight.

Susie left, Sarah right

But this is not what I would like to post about tonight.Tonight I would like to talk about my frustration with with world today. As a lot of you may know I have recently decided to go back to school. Yes this is a fantastic choice, I need something more in my life. So how to pay for school??? This semester I paid with my credit card... bad idea I know but that't what I did. But this next semester I will soon run out of money. So I asked the school what to do as if I didn't know...They told me I needed to fill out FAFSA online. I already did this last semester. So then I told her my parents(dad) makes to much money to receive any government funding. Banks don't even give out student loans anymore. It's all done through the government. So I have to re file with the FAFSA next semester. Then I got online to check out what scholarships I could get being a birth mother and all. Well NONE!!! There is only one that I found that only gives $500 once a year. Or you had to place with a specific company. Super frustrating. But had you kept your child and been a single mother and denied another women of being a mother you could get thousands of money for school/groceries/living expenses. Society tells us it is okay to be single women with children, that it is okay for children to be raised in a one parent home. They say this is normal. I have met many of women who have children just for the government benefits. But what about those who chose another hard road. Those who gave their children to a deserving couple. They receive a peace of heart knowing their child is being raised in a 2 parent home full of love and compassion. But no support from the government. No one there understands what it is like. If they knew there would be some form of acknowledgement to those women who did the hardest thing they needed to do for their children. Give them a loving home. So my next step in this process it to let my local and state Representative know how this makes me feel. I was not a drug addict or criminal. I simply made a bad choice and made the best decision for me. And I know many other women/girls who feel the same way. So today I am frustrated, today I am sad, but today I will begin making a difference for those who made the right decision and blessed another family and her own. Today is my DAY! 

I'm Here!!!

What does this mean "I'm here"? Well earlier I was talking to a professor, she's my College success. Earlier in the semester she asked us to write down some goals we had. So one of my goals was to go and see my birth daughter this year. I didn't know when but all I knew was that that is what I want to do this year. So as I was talking to her she asked if this goal was going to be obtainable? I said yes but all the kinks weren't worked out just yet. Then she proceeded to ask "How do you do it?" 

My answer was this. "Have you ever gotten something that you like and would keep but there was someone else that wanted it so bad and would just about do anything for it. Would you give that to them? Well I was lucky to be blessed with the ability to have children and some women are not this lucky. So what could I do with this blessing but share it with those who can not have children."

Her reaction was one that I was used to. It was a question that I have heard so many times, "Isn't it hard to know that someone else is raising your child?" My answer was this, "Yes, yes it is hard to see her all dressed up with beautiful bows and dresses. To know that they get to feed her and take to exciting places, but I know that I wouldn't have been able to do those things with her being a single mother. And she needs both a mother and a father who will love her and take care of her as I would have. She deserves better than what I could provide her." 

My professor was so impressed at my decision and the way I looked at things and all I said was "I'm here!!! It took months to get here, but I'm here!!!"  

Now my quote for this week comes from Shakespeare 

"Whate'er thou art, act well thy part"

Emotions to the MAX!!!

These last couple of weeks have been full of so many emotions. Happy, sad, lonely, angry, frustrated and  excited. Lets start with two years ago. 

2 years ago this month my ex-fiance and I were supposed to get married but instead he broke off the engagement. He was my first LOVE. My true Love. When we ended things I thought I could never move on, my life had ended. We had a wonderful time together but I soon realized that life goes on whether or not the one you love is there on somewhere else.

This is Dillon and I at Disneyland the day we got engaged.

Now then this time last year I found out I was Pregnant with my darling Baby girl Cassidy. The initial shock took about 3 or 4 months to finally realize that I was pregnant. 

Here's my first picture of Cassidy. The people I worked with called her my little fruit snack because all I could to eat were fruit snacks.

This year Cassidy's adoption was finalized and she was sealed and blessed this week. 

This is right after the Finalization. 

This was taken right after they were sealed and right before she was blessed. 

So like I said a roller coaster of emotions this month. I really hope that next month will be better. All I can say is "My soul delighteth in the truthfulness of the gospel". 

Is it really February!!!

I can't believe how time has just flown by. My math professor said Tuesday that spring break is in 4 weeks. I can't believe it. School doesn't seem so hard this time around. Maybe I'm just ready for it now. I need this change and I'm ready for the next step in my life. Well besides school I've been working, some weeks I work more than others but none the less they are still fantastic. 

What else has been going on. Well I got a Christmas gift that keeps giving all year long check out www.fillaseat.com  Seriously Mom and I went to a Texas Tornado game, then two weeks later Dad and I went. Heather and I went to the Mesquite Championship Rodeo, then Mom Dad and I went to Championship Bull riding. The seats were pretty awesome and we had a ton of fun. Here's a few pics. 

Texas Tornado Hockey Game

Championship Bull Riding

Well as we all now Valentines was this week and as some of you know I REALLY don't like the day of  "love". It really makes me sick that people only designate one day to love. I really think that we need to express how much we love someone especially those close to us everyday. So how did I spend my Valentines day. Mom and I went to the movies and Grandpa sent me flowers. But honestly deep down I wish every Valentines day that my Prince Charming would ride up on a white horse and wisp me away to a Magic Kingdom of no cooking and no cleaning. But until that day comes I will continue to dream a wonderful dream. 

Well Cassidy is now 3.5 months old. Oh my how the time has flown by. I honestly can't believe so much has changed. She has changed, she is just over 14lbs and I love getting pictures. Every time I see one I know I made the write decision and I did it all for her. Here one that brightened my day. 

This is the outfit I got her for Christmas, chances or she's already grown out of it.

My Quote for the week "If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." -Winnie the Pooh

   

What was I thinking???

     I thought it was going to be a little easier going back to school and moving on, but not so much! For 2 months I didn't really work and when I was my heart was somewhere else. I spent a ton of time with my family and my nephew Brandon. I guess I just expected I could just go back to how things where before I had Cassidy. It wasn't at all. All I thought about on my way to work was "I wonder what mom is doing with Brandon today" and "I wonder if Erika updated the blog". "Should I text Erika to see how she's doing?" Then reality sets in... I'm driving focus on getting to work and when I got there I am consistently reminding myself that I need to focus on work I can think about all this Wednesday on my day off. When I'm at school in between my classes I check to blog or call my mom to see how Brandon is and talk to him for just a second. Life is not the same to say the least. On Monday I was having a hard day, not like work was hard but I was just struggling and a little freaked out about school Tuesday that I acted on a feeling and texted Erika. I didn't hear back that night so I was a little sad cause all I wanted was to see Cassidy's face and smile. So I went to bed and the next morning I woke to Cassidy's face on my phone. Erika texted me 2 pictures that I treasure dearly. I love seeing how happy she is and how happy she makes here mom and dad. I know that Heavenly Father has a special plan for those who are involved with adoption. 

     (Brandon and I at Susie's Wedding)

     Well as you noticed I did get a job!!! I work with a great friend Amber at Smart Mouth Family Dentistry as a Dental Assistant. The Doctor is Dr.Hill and he is awesome. I really like it, not the drive but the people are fantastic. I really feel like I belong there. 

      I am also back at school getting my prerequisites out of the way so I can hopefully get into the Surgical Technician program at Collin College. That is the main goal. I'm taking Beginning Algebra, College success, PHED, and Psychology. So far so good, just give me a couple of weeks and I'll really be freaking out. My psych professor said essay and I just about freaked out then he explained it and I was okay. I have to talk my way out of getting stressed out.  

"All our Dreams come true if we have the Courage to Pursue them"- Walt Disney

(Imagine it in Disney font)

A whole NEW YEAR!!!!

What a year last year was.....So much can happen so to recap last year.
Worked.... and worked....and worked

Got pregnant in February (totally unexpected)
Met with LDS Family services to place child for adoption (April)
Went to Tyler for Susie's baby shower(May)

Transferred offices to be Lead Assistant
Found out I was having a baby girl

Heather, R.J. and the Family moved to Denver (June)
Went to Tyler one last time before Susie had Baby Marcus(July)

Met with adoptive couple (Aaron and Erika)
Stepped down as Lead Assistant (October)
Had sweet Cassidy and placed her with her parents (November)

Mom Dad and I went to Disney World(November)

Susie and Marcus got married (December)

Quit my Job (December)
Heather came home for Christmas....With her boyfriend Ryan (December)

Like I said "What a Year"!!!!

As of yesterday Cassidy turned 2 months. I can't believe it has gone by so fast. This was my first of lifetime Christmases without Cassidy. How you might ask did I make it through. Well I had read a someones blog and they had bought a ornament for the child they placed and sent it to them and bought the same one for her. So I bought Cassidy a little cowgirl ornament and one for me. And I also got her a little outfit.

Now my goals for this year are pretty simple. Go to school and do well in my classes. Continue on with my church stuff and lastly I would like to see Cassidy this year. Maybe in May when she can be blessed. But with finances I may not be able to make it out there until the end of this year.

"Promise me you'll always remember...You're Braver than you believe, And Stronger than you seem, and Smarter than you think."
Christopher Robin